Lori H. Ersolmaz | Poetic Films

The Push and Pull of Light and Dark

A reflection on life after suicide

In the past years I have been studying psychologist Carl Jung's theories. Jungian theories are concentrated in depth psychology, inner work, the conscious and unconscious mind, archetypes, dreams, synchronicity and symbolism. His theories about the shadow side of our personalities is not for the faint of heart. I realized burying my own feelings about my father's suicide (when I was 19) never allowed me the opportunity to heal from the trauma. I told nearly no one what happened for over thirty years. In my late twenties after purchasing my first home I encountered an insurance broker. There were a lot of questions asked and one was how my father died. I blurted it out like a six-year old. There was a long silence and no one said anything, then the typical platitudes. After that experience I told people my father died in an accident. The reality is he purposely died by suicide at forty four due to a a number of complex experiences throughout his life.

Suicide is a highly difficult and harsh experience with long consequences for those left behind.

Knowing my family's history all these years later I have pieced together why he did it. I finally decided to confront my fears and come out from the shadows of shame for a decision my father made. Friend and colleague, Caroline Ridgway (who narrates) wrote her essay in 2016 shortly after her brother died from suicide. Her essay was the prompt I needed to give voice to my own feelings in the only way I know—visual expression. In the process it was an excruciating project to develop and took four months to complete. While watching the film, I hope the viewer has a sense of feeling fractures, chaos and an unnerving whirlwind. It's absolutely meant to elicit those emotions.

I found healing in uncovering the depths of emotion about my father's suicide and at least I am no longer hiding it in the shadows. I'm grateful to Caroline for the courage she had in writing what I already felt, yet was unable to verbalize. I hope the film will be used as a discussion tool to empower people of all ages to navigate their own experiences through art, poetry, writing and the visual language. I know the project will take on a life of its own...and I look forward to the journey.